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September 22nd

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. – Groucho Marx


TODAY – SEPTEMBER 22nd

265th day of the year (266th in leap years) with 100 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ American Business Women’s Day
~ Elephant Appreciation Day
~ Hobbit Day (Bilbo & Frodo Baggins birthdate)
~ National Centenarian Day
~ National Elephant Appreciation Day
~ National Girls’ Night In
~ National Ice Cream Cone Day
~ National Legwear Day
~ National White Chocolate Day
~ One Web Day (celebrating the internet)
~ World Car Free Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1791 Michael Faraday, England, scientist (electromagnetism and electrochemistry)
  • 1904 Ellen Church, Cresco, Iowa, pilot / nurse (first female flight attendant)
  • 1912 Martha Scott, Jamesport, Missouri, actress (The Bob Newhart Show, Dallas, Bionic Woman, Our Town)
  • 1927 Tommy Lasorda, Norristown, Pennsylvania, baseball manager (LA Dodgers)
  • 1928 Eugene Roche, Boston, Massachusetts, actor (Ajax Man)
  • 1939 Junko Tabei, Japan, first woman to climb Mount Everest
  • 1948 Jim Byrnes, St. Louis, Missouri, actor and musician (Highlander, Shadow Raiders, Stargate Infinity, X-Men: Evolution, Sanctuary, The Romeo Section)
  • 1949 Jim Keith, American author (Black Helicopters over America, The Octopus, Biowarfare in America)
  • 1952 Paul Le Mat, Rahway, New Jersey, actor (American Graffiti, Melvin and Howard, The Burning Bed, Josiah Peale in Lonesome Dove)
  • 1954 Shari Belafonte, New York City, NY, actress and singer (Hotel, Gravedale High, Beyond Reality, Sonic the Hedgehog, Babylon 5: Thirdspace, General Hospital)
  • 1956 Debby Boone, Hackensack, New Jersey, singer, actress, and author (You Light Up My Life)
  • 1958 Lynn Herring, Enid, Oklahoma, model and actress, Miss Virginia USA 1977 (General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, As the World Turns)
  • 1960 Scott Baio, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Joanie loves Chachi, Charles in Charge, Zapped, See Dad Run)
  • 1961 Bonnie Hunt, Chicago, Illinois, actress, producer (Beethoven, Davis Rules, Jumanji, Bonnie, Jerry Maguire, A Bug’s Life, Monsters Inc., Cheaper by the Dozen, Cars, Toy Story 3, Zootopia)
  • 1971 Elizabeth Bear, Hartford, Connecticut, author (Series: The Jenny Casey trilogy, The Promethean Age, Jacob’s Ladder trilogy, The Edda of Burdens, The Iskryne, New Amsterdam, Eternal Sky Trilogy)
  • 1982 Billie Piper, English singer and actress (Rose Tyler – Dr. Who’s companion)
  • 1982 Katie Lowes, American actress (Easy Money, Wreck-It Ralph, Scandal, Zootopia)
  • 1993 Chase Ellison, Reno, Nevada, actor (Tooth Fairy, The Boy Who Cried Werewolf)

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No pleasure is comparable to the standing upon the vantage-ground of truth. – Francis Bacon
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1776 Nathan Hale is hanged for spying during American Revolution.
  • 1784 Russian trappers established a colony on Kodiak Island, Alaska.
  • 1789 Office of Postmaster General of the US established by Congress.
  • 1851 The city of Des Moines, Iowa is incorporated as Fort Des Moines.
  • 1888 The first issue of National Geographic Magazine is published.
  • 1893 The first American-made automobile, built by the Duryea Brothers, is displayed.
  • 1919 The steel strike of 1919, led by the Amalgamated Association of Iron and Steel Workers, begins in Pennsylvania before spreading across the United States.
  • 1951 The first live sporting event seen coast-to-coast in the United States, a college football game between Duke and the University of Pittsburgh is televised on NBC.
  • 1964 The Man from U.N.C.L.E.” premiers on NBC-TV .
  • 1975 Sara Jane Moore tries to assassinate President Ford in California.
  • 1991 The Dead Sea Scrolls are made available to the public for the first time by the Huntington Library.
  • 1993 A barge strikes a railroad bridge near Mobile, Alabama, causing the deadliest train wreck in Amtrak history. Forty-seven passengers are killed.
  • 2006 The F-14 Tomcat is retired from the United States Navy.

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Bob and Ray walking down the street. Bob said, “Hey, Look at that dog with one eye!”

So Ray said, “Okay!” and covered up one of his eyes!!

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A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing car. The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking back at the drunk shouted, “Look out!”

The drunk raised his head and asked, “Why? You gonna back up?”

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Antiques collecting has become very popular. Right now there are millions of Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don’t work and are only kept for sentimental purposes.

Some of these are called “antiques.”
The rest are called “husbands.”

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ONE-LINERS:
~ A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
~ No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
~ Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

~ There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
~ Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
~ Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

~ By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
~ Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
~ Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

~ Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
~ Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
~ I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
~ Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
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A fellow computer programmer for my consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work but eventually he asked me to help with the last phase, user training.

When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief, “I’m so glad you’re teaching me instead of the other guy.”

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced and knowledgeable than I was.

“Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people.”

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A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, “I can’t do anything about this – it’s a hardware problem.”

The hardware manager says, “Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself.”

The marketing manager says, “Hey, 75% of it is working – let’s ship it!”
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pic of the day: Yellow Garden Spider (Argiope aurantia)

black and yellow spider
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A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
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The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…

After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The Revolutionary War was over and General Washington called the troops together to address them saying: “Men, the country must be kept safe. Accordingly, I am ordering that the active duty regulars are to stand duty from Monday through Friday. On Saturday and Sunday the National Guard and Reserves will worry about our new nations security.”

And so it was, and from that day to this, the National Guard and Reserves have been known as Weekend Worriers

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A couple of Star Trek Jokes . . .

Q. How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. All of them

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Q: How many Cardassians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 4. One to change the light bulb, and one to shoot him and take the credit, two more for disposing the body out an airlock, and 100 credits each to hire them.

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A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

“Hello, said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”

“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer, “as it happens, there’s a village right over the hill, where there’s a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy.”

“Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code. “The sun is shining…the grass is growing…the cows are ready for milking.”

“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy – he’s in the village over the other direction.”

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I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.

Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”

While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me and said, “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”
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On their first date, Jim and Danielle sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema’s concession stand. Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, “Okay, who’s got the remote control?”

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A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo.

The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. ”And lead us not into temptation”, she prayed, ”but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Do dolphins sleep? Dolphins do not breathe automatically, as humans do, and so they do not sleep as humans do. If they become unconscious, they would sink to the bottom of the sea. Without the oxygen they need to take in periodically, they would die.

~How long have people bred mules? Humans have used mules from early times; the inhabitants of Mysia and Paphlagonia allegedly bred the first mules. The ancient Greeks and especially Romans valued mules for transport, employing them to draw carriages and carry loads. In the 19th century, mules hauled barges on the Erie Canal and other North American and European canals, and mule teams were often used by teamsters on the U.S. Western frontier. In the early 20th century use of mules survived mainly in military transport, being used to haul caissons and artillery through nearly impassable terrain, the bravery and focused intelligence of the animal serving it well in the midst of the noise and confusion of warfare.

~What are kids’ favorite lunches? The five favorite U.S. school lunches nationwide, according to the American School Food Service Association, are, in order, pizza, chicken nuggets, tacos, burritos, and hamburgers.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . If you don’t accept responsibility for your own actions, then you are forever chained to a position of defense. – Holly Lisle, Fire In The Mist, 1992

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