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September 8th

A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy? – Albert Einstein


TODAY – SEPTEMBER 8th

251st day of the year (252nd in leap years) with 114 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Pardon Day
~ National Ampersand Day
~ National Pet Memorial Day
~ International Literacy Day
~ World Physical Therapy Day
~ National Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day
~ Fall Hat Month
~ Self Improvement Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1157 Richard I [Richard the Lion Hearted], King of England (1189-99)
  • 1897 Jimmie Rodgers, Meridian, Mississippi, singer and composer (known as “The Singing Brakeman”, “The Blue Yodeler”, and “The Father of Country Music”)
  • 1915 Frank Cady, Susanville, California, actor (Sam Drucker in Green Acres)
  • 1922 Sid Caesar, Yonkers, New York, actor and singer (Grease, Grease 2, Cannonball Run II)
  • 1925 Peter Sellers, Portsmouth England, actor (Dr. Strangelove, Kato, Bobo, Pink Panther)
  • 1932 Patsy Cline, Winchester, Virginia, country singer (Walkin’ After Midnight)
  • 1940 Jack Prelutsky, Brooklyn, New York, author and poet (The Good Tiger, Ride A Purple Pelican, Monday’s Troll, The Gargoyle on the Roof, Behold the Bold Umbrellaphant and Other Poems, Stardine Swim High Across the Sky)
  • 1947 Ann Beattie, Washington, D.C., author (Chilly Scenes of Winter, Love Always, The Doctor’s House, Mrs. Nixon: A Novelist Imagines A Life)
  • 1947 Marianne Wiggins, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, author (Eveless Eden, Evidence of Things Unseen, The Shadow Catcher)
  • 1954 Jon Scieszka, Flint, Michigan, author (Cowboy and Octopus, The Time Warp Trio, Trucktown series, Spaceheadz; founder of Guys Read)
  • 1962 Christopher Klim, American physicist and author (Everything Burns, The Winners Circle, True Surrealism, Firecracker Jones series)
  • 1971 Brooke Burke, Hartford, Connecticut, model and actress (Rock Star, winner 7th season Dancing with the Stars, co-host DWTS 2010-2013)
  • 1971 David Arquette, Winchester, Virginia, actor, director (Scream, Wild Bill, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, In Case of Emergency, Jake and the Never Land Pirates)
  • 1981 Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, actor (Home Improvement, voice of young Simba in The Lion King, The Oz Kids, Last Man Standing)

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Life is a long lesson in humility. – James M. Barrie
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1504 Michelangelo’s David is unveiled in Florence.
  • 1565 1st permanent settlement in US forms (St Augustine, Florida.)
  • 1810 The Tonquin sets sail from New York Harbor with 33 employees of John Jacob Astor’s newly created Pacific Fur Company on board. After a six-month journey around the tip of South America, the ship arrives at the mouth of the Columbia River and Astor’s men establish the fur-trading town of Astoria, Oregon.
  • 1892 First appearance of “The Pledge of Allegiance” (Youth’s Companion)
  • 1900 Galveston Hurricane of 1900: a powerful hurricane hits Galveston, Texas killing about 8,000 people.
  • 1921 16-year-old Margaret Gorman wins the Atlantic City Pageant’s Golden Mermaid trophy; pageant officials later dubbed her the first Miss America.
  • 1930 3M begins marketing Scotch transparent tape.
  • 1943 World War II: United States General Dwight D. Eisenhower publicly announces the Allied armistice with Italy.
  • 1951 Japan signs treaty of peace with 48 countries in San Francisco, marking the end of the Pacific War.
  • 1960 In Huntsville, Alabama, US President Dwight D. Eisenhower formally dedicates the Marshall Space Flight Center (NASA had already activated the facility on July 1).
  • 1966 “Star Trek” premiers on NBC-TV (first episode, “The Man Trap”)
  • 1968 The Beatles perform their last live TV performance on the David Frost show. They perform their new hit “Hey Jude”.
  • 1970 Hijacking (and subsequent destruction) of three airliners to Jordan by Palestinians; the events to follow would later become known as Black September.
  • 1986 The first Oprah Winfrey Show airs.
  • 2004 NASA’s unmanned spacecraft Genesis crash-lands when its parachute fails to open.
  • 2005 Two EMERCOM Il-76 aircraft land at a disaster aid staging area at Little Rock Air Force Base; the first time Russia has flown such a mission to North America.
  • 2016 NASA launches OSIRIS-REx, its first asteroid sample return mission. The probe will visit 101955 Bennu and is expected to return with samples in 2023.

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“You’re going out to play golf again?” his wife complained.

“I’m only doing it under doctors orders.”

“Do I look stupid to you?!”

“But its true,” he said, while walking out the door. “He told me specifically that I should get some iron everyday.”

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The company I work for has a phone system that reroutes after-hours calls. If any calls come in on a certain line while I’m working late, it has to be a wrong number.

So as soon as the phone rings, I pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline. I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”

Callers often reply with something like, “But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong … Oh. ”

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ONE-LINERS: PRISON VS WORK

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.

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After dinner one evening the president was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor, a talk show host, and said, “I understand you love music.”

“Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind. Keep right on playing …”

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It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies.

Alice was feeling romantic. ‘Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?’ she crooned.

‘Why not?’ Al replied. ‘Didn’t I love you through four other shades?’
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pic of the day: Derelict Tractor

old vine-covered tractor
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A telephone rang. “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”

“Yes, it is,” came the reply.

“Thank goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
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WARNING! GOLDEN OLDIE PUN ZONE!

A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. ”I feel terrible,” he explained. ”I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She said she knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. Then she walked over to the limp, dead bunny and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the firry little animal. Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, gathered the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road.

Fifty yards away, the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards. Then he turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards, turned and waved again. The man was astonished. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what could have been in that woman’s spray can. So he asked her: ”What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ”Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

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Several months ago, my daughter and I had similar flu-like symptoms. She decided to consult a doctor so as not to lose any more time from her job.

I said, “Good. You see the doctor, then tell me what’s wrong with both of us.”

The next day she called to say, “Guess what, Mom! We’re pregnant!”

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One morning a little girl was having cereal for breakfast.
When she opened the box of Cheerios she said “Look daddy! Doughnut seeds!”

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Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

So if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

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According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how! difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
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I REALIZED just how fully a Navy friend of mine had been indoctrinated in antisubmarine warfare when I asked him whether he knew the sex of the baby his wife was expecting.

“We believe it’s a boy,” he answered, “but that analysis is based solely on low-confidence acoustic intelligence.”

“He means,” his wife clarified, “I had a sonogram.” – from “Humor In Uniform” by Lt. Col. James T. Currie
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why would you visit a convent in the Netherlands? In the Netherlands, the Begijnhof is an enclosed courtyard dating from the early fourteenth century. Hidden behind the frantic Spui shopping strip, it is an anachronistic oasis of tranquility, with tiny houses surrounding a pristine courtyard. The Begijnhof was formerly a convent inhabited by the Beguines, a Catholic order of unmarried or widowed women from wealthy families who cared for the elderly and lived a religious life without taking monastic vows. The last true Beguines died in the 1970s. One of the houses at the Begijnhof dates from 1465, making it the oldest maintained wooden house in the country.

~ What is Pardon Day for? It’s a day to seek and give forgiveness. On Pardon Day put aside all your grudges, be kind to everyone and forgive those who may have hurt you.

~ What organ did the Greek philosopher Aristotle believe was the seat of mental process?
Aristotle thought the heart was the seat of mental process. He wasn’t alone. The ancient Egyptians also thought the heart highly significant and thought little of the brain.

~ How fast was Gertrude Ederle?
Gertrude Ederle was still a teenager when she became the first woman to swim the English Channel on August 6, 1926. Not only did she swim the channel, but she broke the speed record held by a man.

~ Where did the term “stool pigeon” originate?
A “stool pigeon” is an informer. The expression has an interesting origin. In the nineteenth century, people who wanted to capture pigeons would use one pigeon to attract others. The birds, like many birds, love to congregate. Here’s how fowlers would do it: they’d take a captured pigeon, tether it to a stool, and let it hop around until other pigeons flew down to join it. The fowler could then drop a net and catch dozens of birds. Hence, a stool pigeon helped humans capture its friends.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please – Mark Twain

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Being happy is something you have to learn. I often surprise myself by saying “Wow, this is it. I guess I’m happy. I got a home I love. A career that I love. I’m even feeling more and more at peace with myself.” If there’s something else to happiness, let me know. I’m ambitious for that, too. – Harrison Ford

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