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September 9th

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back. – Chinese Proverb


TODAY – SEPTEMBER 9th

252nd day of the year (253rd in leap years) with 113 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ California Admission Day
~ National “I Love Food” Day
~ National Steak Au Poivre Day
~ National Teddy Bear Day
~ Wienerschnitzel Day
~ Wonderful Weirdos Day
~ National Honey Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1828 Leo Tolstoy, Russia, author (War and Peace, Anna Karenina)
  • 1890 Colonel Harland Sanders, Henryville, Indiana, colonel/CEO (Kentucky Fried Chicken)
  • 1899 Bruno E. Jacob, Valders, Wisconsin, Founder of the National Forensic League
  • 1903 Phyllis A. Whitney, Yokohama, Japan, American mystery author (The Mystery of the Hidden Hand, The Mystery of the Haunted Pool, Domino, Silversword, The Singing Stones)
  • 1923 Daniel Carleton Gajdusek, Yonkers, New York, virologist (Nobel / Prion)
  • 1941 Otis Redding, Dawson, Georgia, singer / songwriter (Try a Little Tenderness, Sittin’ On the Dock of Bay)
  • 1941 Dennis Ritchie, Bronxville, New York, computer scientist (developed C language, work with Multics & Unix)
  • 1951 Tom Wopat, Loda, Wisconsin, actor and singer (Luke-Dukes of Hazzard, Cybill, Django Unchained)
  • 1952 Angela Cartwright, England, actress (The Sound of Music, Make Room for Daddy, Lost in Space, Make Room for Granddaddy), photographer
  • 1954 Jeffrey Combs, actor (Weyoun, Brunt / ST: DS9; Shran, Krem / ST Enterprise, Transformers Prime TV series, Suburban Gothic)
  • 1966 Adam Sandler, Brooklyn, New York, actor and comedian (Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy, Mr. Deeds, Grown Ups, Pixels, Hotel Transylvania, The Ridiculous 6)
  • 1980 Michelle Williams, Kalispell, Montana, actress (Brokeback Mountain, Wendy and Lucy, Blue Valentine, Shutter Island, Certain Women)

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It is better to wear out than to rust out. – Bishop Richard Cumberland
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1776 The Continental Congress officially names its new union of sovereign states the United States.
  • 1791 Washington, D.C., the capital of the United States, is named after President George Washington.
  • 1830 Charles Durant, 1st US aeronaut, flies a balloon from Castle Garden, NYC to Perth Amboy, NJ
  • 1839 John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph.
  • 1850 California is admitted as the thirty-first U.S. state.
  • 1850 The Compromise of 1850 strips Texas of a third of its claimed territory (now parts of Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, and Wyoming) in return for the U.S. federal government assuming $10 million of Texas’s pre-annexation debt.
  • 1926 The U.S. National Broadcasting Company is formed.
  • 1940 George Stibitz pioneers the first remote operation of a computer.
  • 1942 Japanese floatplane drops bomb on Mount Emily Oregon during WWII, first bombing on American soil.
  • 1956 Elvis Presley appears on The Ed Sullivan Show for the first time.
  • 1965 The United States Department of Housing and Urban Development is established.
  • 1965 Hurricane Betsy makes its second landfall near New Orleans, Louisiana, leaving 76 dead and $1.42 billion ($10–12 billion in 2005 dollars) in damages, becoming the first hurricane to top $1 billion in unadjusted damages.
  • 1966 The National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act is signed into law by U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson.
  • 1971 1,000 convicts seize Attica, NY prison, the start of a 4-day riot which eventually results in 39 dead, most killed by state troopers retaking the prison.
  • 2015 At around 17:30 BST, Elizabeth II became the longest reigning monarch of the United Kingdom.

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GOLDEN OLDIE… There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The idiot says, ‘That was a karate chop from Korea.’

The little guy thinks ‘GEEZ,’ but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, ‘That was a judo chop from Japan.’ So the little guy has had enough of this.

He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ‘When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.’

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A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction worker. They get into a conversation and the man asks him what he would do if he only had 5 minutes to live.

”Well, I haven’t lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I’d kiss anything that moves,” he answered. ”What would you do?”

”I’d stand perfectly still.”

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ONE-LINERS: Problem solving quotes . . .

~ Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
~ I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
~ There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

~ Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
~ I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
~ I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t looking good either.

~ Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
~ Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
~ Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

~ My Reality Check bounced.
~ I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
~ You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

~ Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
~ I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
~ On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

~ Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
~ Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ‘Where the heck is the ceiling?!’
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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, ‘Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?’ The trembling monkey says, ‘You are, mighty lion! ‘

Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, ‘Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?’ The terrified wildebeest stammers, ‘Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!’

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, ‘Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?’ Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away. The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, ‘Geez, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so torqued off!

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You Might Be a Redneck If

– You’ve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
– A tornado goes through your trailer’s yard and makes it look neater.
– You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

– You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
– You think “Meals on Wheels” is another name for roadkill.
– You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

– The number of times you’ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
– You’ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
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pic of the day: Rooster Strutting Through Shadows

rooster walking
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'”
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A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.

He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

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In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge’s eyes. “You’re a schoolteacher, eh?” he said. “Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I’ve waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not drive through red lights’ 500 times!”

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Translations of Help Wanted Ads

~ Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.
~ Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
~ Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

~ Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
~ Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.
~ Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

~ Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients.
~ Make an investment in your future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
~ Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

~ Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
~ Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
~ Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

~ Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
~ Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
~ Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
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Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: “The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published.”

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Dewey dragged himself into his doctor’s office one day looking very exhausted. “Doctor,” he said, “there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep!”

“I have good news for you, Dewey,” the doctor said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that were just approved. They work like a dream. Just a few of these and your troubles will be over.”

“Great,” said Dewey, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

The doctor gave him the pills. Dewey thanked him and left.

Two weeks later, Dewey came back to the doctor’s office looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than ever!” Dewey exclaimed.

“I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered Dewey wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it’s really hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Which seahorse carries the embryo? The male seahorse, not the female, carries the embryo of the species. The female fills the male’s brooch pouch with eggs, which remain in the swollen sac for a gestation period of eight to ten days.

~ When did the modern bikini come into existence?
According to the official version, the modern bikini was invented by French engineer Louis Reard and fashion designer Jacques Heim in Paris in 1946. It was named after Bikini Atoll, the site of nuclear weapon tests a few days earlier in the Marshall Islands, on the reasoning that the burst of excitement it would cause would be like said thermonuclear device. However, women in Paris were wearing bikinis one year before the bikini was “invented” as documented with pictures in the July 16, 1945 issue of Life.

~ What would you do with a black cow?
Drink it! A black cow is a chocolate soda with chocolate ice cream. The term dates from the Roaring Twenties, although it also came to be used to describe a root beer float. Another term for a black cow was a mud fizz.

~ How did the Colosseum receive its name?
The Colosseum received its name not for its size, but for a colossal statue of Nero that stood close by, placed there after the destruction of his palace.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir. Mighty scarce.”  -Mark Twain

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . We cannot control the evil tongues of others; but a good life enables us to disregard them. – Cato the Elder

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